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Welcome to the new and improved quotes page

Click the links below to jump to different sections

TV Quotes - Quotes from TV Shows
Movie Quotes - Awesome quotes from awesome movies.
Aim Convo Quotes - Quotes from AIM conversations.
Professor Quotes - Quotes from some of my professors at Drew. Mostly from Dr. Morsink.
Other Quotes - Everything else. These quotes run the gamut from funny, to throught provoking, to political.

TV

Joe: Peter! You've been eating my legs???
Peter: See this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
Joe: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
Peter: Look, look Joe I, J- Joe.
Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!!
Peter: Ok you know what? Lets just agree to disagree.
-Family Guy

Peter: Now here's the plan. You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches above the floor so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
-Family Guy

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
-Family Guy

Lois: You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Yeah, whatever gets you through the night, bitch.
-Family Guy

<The Smith family is gathered around a Scrabble board>
Steve: Quivix? That's not a word.
Roger: It is on my home planet.
Francine: Is it is proper noun?
Roger: ...damnit.
-American Dad

Chief Runs-With-Premise: What is the state of our people?
Native American 1: Last night i spoke with the spirit of the bear, and bear said that if we do not build our superhighway soon, our investers may soon sell off their shares of the new casino.
Native American 2: Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops 15% every day.
-South Park

Peter: Just call me Officer T. J. Hooker. Sheriff, Officer T. J. Hooker.
-Family Guy

Peter: Come on Meg, there's gotta be at least a hundred clubs at your school.
Meg: Well, I do have a friend on the school newspaper.
Peter: 'Atta girl. And I've got your first story right here. Lois, I challange you to a race around the world. GO!
<Peter runs off-screen. Seconds later he flies by the window in a WWI era tri-plane, laughing maniacally>
-Family Guy

Peter: You remember that pony you wanted when you were six? Well I bought him and I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise!
<Peter opens the closet door and sees a horse skeleton inside>
Peter: Oh, oh God, that's right, ponies... ponies like food don't they?
-Family Guy

Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.
-Famly Guy

Peter: If I don't get any air time how am I gonna get my own spinoff where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... at the center of the earth!
<Scene changes to a bar in a large underground cavern. A molten rock man is seated at the bar>
Peter: You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here.
Molten-Rock Man: Well at these prices I'm not surprised.
Peter: That's it pal. You... are... outta here!
-Family Guy

Quagmire: You could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for fifty bucks apiece, or, or fifty really fat chicks for a thousand bucks. What? Don't look at me like that, fat chicks need love too... but they gotta pay.
-Family Guy

"Yesterday the voice of the people was heard. I promise not to imitate it out of respect for the mentally retarded"
-Louis Black's post election comments

"It's been two days since the polls closed in Tuesday's election and reaction is coming in from the rest of the world. Not that 51% of Americans really care about that."
-Jon Stewart

Cartman: You just have no long term memory 'cause you get high all the time.
Towelie: Don't preach to me fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want 'cause you're stupid.
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Yeah, and you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
-South Park

"Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting you drier and drier. Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And I don't know."
-South Park

"Here pup, fresh dose of murder for you-- Blast it he's escaped! Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs."
-The vet, upon discovering that a dog (who's actually Butters in disguise) has escaped being put to sleep - South Park

Cartman: We're in this together, Craig. If Butters tells on us we'll tell on you, that's the nija code.
-South Park

Announcerr: And the winner is ... Number 3, in a quantum finish!
Prof. Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
-Futurama

Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: Hey, yeah!
<Bender takes the hatch off and steam immediately shoots out into their faces>
Fry: No good! It's full of steam!
-Futurama

Announcer on TV Commercial: Pawtucket Patriot. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it, Lois. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
-Family Guy

Chris: You remeber what happened when he tried to sneak me into the country fair?
<Flashback to the fair. Peter and Chris are standing in front of the ticket booth in a horse costume, with Chris in the rear end>
Peter: Uh, one please. <Chris sneezes>
Ticket Man: Wait a second... Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no, no, no, nothing about this adds up at all!
-Family Guy

Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Mayor West: Oh my.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor West: I see.
Doctor: What in God’s name were you trying to prove?
Mayor West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Doctor: Well, that’s just silly.
Mayor West: Silly? Yes. Idiotic? Yes.
-Family Guy

Lois: Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel [...] and look, there's no engine, it just has a drawing of an engine!
Dealer: But it only had one previous owner.... JAMES BOND!
Peter: I'll take it!
-Family Guy

Peter: Geez Lois what are you doin lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois: Peter, you know I never drink
Peter: Oh yeah, just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois: What are you talking about? I'm a woman!
Peter: Sure you are... Now
-Family Guy

Lois: Peter it's 7 in the morning!
Brian: Thanks for the update... Big Ben!
Brian & Peter: Laughter
Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cuz I've been up all night drinking.
Lois: Listen, Peter if you keep this up, somthing terrible is gonna happen.
Peter: Yeah somthing terrible... all the way to the bank!
Brian: Nice.
-Family Guy

"You bastards come into our village and kill our fish, pollute our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong"
-Steven Seagal about to fight a bunch of seals - Family Guy

The Count: Six, six bats! Seven, seven bats! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahh!
Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well, he, he's got those big fangs. Have, have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're, You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody, and then sucks their blood for sustenance?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No they've never done that.
-Family Guy

"In protest to France's opposition to a U.S. war in Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed 'french' fries and 'french' toast to 'freedom' fries and 'freedom' toast... In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot' cheese."
-Tina Fey from Weekend Update on SNL

"Bad music makes people violent, like, Nickelback makes me wanna kill Nickelback."
-Some guy on Tough Crowd

Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son.'
-The Simpsons

Carl: Hey Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?
Lenny: You know it!
Carl: I'll probably send some tommorrow.
Lenny: I hear that! <gives Carl a high-five>
-The Simpsons

"Hi, I'm Troy MaClure, you might remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun, and Fire Crackers, the Silent Killer."
-The Simpsons

Homer: <trying to impersonate Mr. Burns> Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Mailman: Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.
-The Simpsons

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Movie Quotes

Peter: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
-Office Space

Peter: You know the Nazi's had pieces of flair, that they made the Jews wear.
-Office Space

Michael: May- maybe we could launder the money.
Peter: That's a great idea. Ok, how do we do that?
Michael: I don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. It's
something I think, I think coke dealers do.
-Office Space

Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch, it's not your fault. Damnit, Blue was old. That's what old people do, they die."
-Old School

Mitch: Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathrooom blindfolded like a goddamned magic show ready to double-team your girlfriend...
-Old School

Mitch: I'm sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken, what do you reccomend I do?
Cabdriver: I reccomend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the back seat.
-Old School

Picard: I will not sacrifice the Enterprise, I have made too many compromises already, too many retreats....they invade our space and we fall back, they assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. But not again, the line must be drawn here! This far, no further!
-Star Trek: First Contact

Alonso: You think you can do this to me?! You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you! Shoe program, nigga! 23 hour lockdown! I'm the man up in this piece! [...] I run shit around here, you just live here! [...] I'm gonna' burn this motherfucker down! King Kong ain't got shit on me!
-Training Day

Frodo: I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Sam: ...I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Theoden: Let this be the hour when we draw swords together. Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath. Now for ruin. And the red dawn! Forth Eorlingas!
-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Pippin: Is there any hope, Gandalf, for Frodo and Sam?
Gandalf: There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Gamling: He leaves because there is no hope.
Theoden: He leaves because he must.
Gamling: Too few have come. We cannot defeat the armies of Mordor.
Theoden: No we cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Theoden: Ride now... Ride now... Ride! Ride for ruin and the world's ending!
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Gandalf: We come to it at last, the great battle of our time.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Sam: ...Do you remember the taste of strawberries, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing--no veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes!
Sam: Then let us be rid of it. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Frodo: How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Henry Jones: The quest for the grail... is not archeology. It's a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the earth.
-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Obi-Wan: You can't win, Darth, if you strike me down, I should become more powerfull than you can possibly imagine.
-Star Wars: A New Hope

Yoda: No, try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Vader: Obi-Wan has taught you well, you have controled your fear. Now release your anger, only your hate can destroy me.
-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Vader: Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough, he told me you killed him!
Vader: No... I am your father!
-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Emperor Palpetine: If you will not be turned. You will be destroyed. (Zaps Luke with lightning) Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you understand.
-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Doc: Marty, you gotta come back with me!
Marty: Where?
Doc: Back... to the future!
-Back to the Future

Mail Guy: Hey, kid, you all right? You need any help?
Marty: There's only one man who can help me now...
<Marty runs into town>
Marty: ...Doc, it's me, it's me, it's Marty!
Doc: No it can't be you... I just sent you back to the future!
Marty: I know, you did send me back to the future, but I'm back; I'm back from the future!
Doc: Great Scott! <faints>
-Back to the Future, Pt. II

Mad Dog: My horse threw a shoe. Now seeing as you're the one who done the shoeing, I'd say that makes you responsible.
Doc: Look, if your horse threw a shoe, bring him back and I'll re-shoe him!
Mad Dog: I DONE SHOT THAT HORSE!
-Back to the Future, Pt. III

Marty: Oh, man, Doc, we don't belong here, neither one of us. You know, it could still be you that gets shot tomorrow. This tombstone could still be in your future.
Doc: Marty, the future isn't written. It can be changed. You know that. Anyone can make their future whatever they want it to be. I can't let this one little photograph determine my entire destiny. I have to lead my life according to what I believe is right, in my heart.
Marty: Doc, you're a scientist. So you tell me, what's the right thing to do, up here? <Points to his head>
Doc: You're right, Marty.
-Back to the Future, Pt. III

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Funny Quotes from AIM convos

BroodDan316: who the fuck is expected to know any artist besides those with the names of ninja turtles?

Honey5467: uggh boo mondays..i don't even wanna go to sleep because i'll wake up and it will be monday

RyebreadReturns: lol, ur in the hacky sack group?
BroodDan316: hell yeah
BroodDan316: i love the sack
RyebreadReturns: when was the last time you played?
BroodDan316: havent played in so long
RyebreadReturns: me either
RyebreadReturns: dude, washington
BroodDan316: fuck yea!
RyebreadReturns: we should play on the national mall
BroodDan316: oh man
BroodDan316: write that shit down

BroodDan316: the early earth kicked ass

RyebreadReturns: eh, fuck it, i'm sick of worrying about that. it's too nerve wracking at finals time
RyebreadReturns: *wrecking?
Kitten3666: i hate you for making me look this up

BroodDan316: wtf, i thought the mistyping shit was just people exaggerating drunkesness
BroodDan316: didnt reazlie ti was that hard

RyebreadReturns: so, any rioting goin on?
VanDaMrTazz: ihve noe icea wheat is going on

BroodDan316: yep. the good thing for her though is she always has a guy to bag for her on her register.
BroodDan316: thats the ro jacks way of tryin to get with soembody, you bag for them

hombredeplata2: its weird.... even though as far as evolution is concerned i am supposed to be at my prime (18-25) i am outa practice
RyebreadReturns: practice?
hombredeplata2: flirting and stuff
hombredeplata2: picking up chicks
RyebreadReturns: i c, and when were you "in" practice?
hombredeplata2: touche

Dauntless Mien: I have a sociology exam. I'mma go study by drinking alcohol and observing society.

RyebreadReturns: lol, did you see that headline under "Ed"? it said "'objective' Yankees fan"
BroodDan316: yeah
BroodDan316: i told tracie it should have said douchebag fan

Dauntless Mien: Who the fuck riots over a fucking baseball team?
Dauntless Mien: fools!
Dauntless Mien: I like the BASIC programming language, but a new dialect of it emerging won't make me tip over a car.

Dauntless Mien: In my intro to ethics class, I just pretend I'm killing the people in my class.
VanDaMrTazz: do you walk around the class pointing at them like you got a gun?
VanDaMrTazz: and saying bang?
Dauntless Mien: Nah, I just usually sit, and while they talk, I fantasize that I'm beating the fuck out of them with a baseball bat.
VanDaMrTazz: are they douche bags?
Dauntless Mien: Hell yeah.
Dauntless Mien: They're like, "Oh, blah blah blah blah, people like to hear me talk, blah blah blah...."

BroodDan316: im not a fuckin vampire, im not sitting outside somebody's door and asking "can i come in" before stepping in the house

Dauntless Mien: Umass strippers are probably lame.
hombredeplata2: cause they are not gay men?

Dauntless Mien: Arnold would be so badass in a rascal. And he could be carrying groceries in the front.
VanDaMrTazz: it would be protein shakes and stuff though
Dauntless Mien: And fresh fruit.
VanDaMrTazz: mabye some diet soda too
RyebreadReturns: lol, dude, do you know who you just described?
BroodDan316: tim
Dauntless Mien: lol, Tim drives a Rascal?

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Professor Quotes

"Oh the Dutch... let's not get into the Dutch. Dont' get me started on the Dutch." - Dr. Cole (Social Ethics)

"I'm already cutting corners, so lets not be stubborn about the squiggly equals sign." - Dr. Apelian dismissing concerns he'd raised seconds earlier about converting a squiggly equals sign to a normal equals sign in a proof (Calculus III)

"When is a treaty not good? Like the one about the cats and the tunnel. It's not good; maybe they come out dead at the other end or something." - Dr. Morsink giving an example of an international treaty dispute (International Law)

"If the dictator tells you who you can marry, you cannot buy the girl you want... uh, marry the girl you want." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

Some Chick: Do we get extra credit for being here?
Dr. Morsink: Yeah
Some Chick: Really?
Dr. Morsink: Well, not in any administrative, precise sense.
- Morsink's class, on the day before vacation (Political Ideologies)

"We've got birds that fly, birds that crawl-- on the ground-- and birds that swim. Well, they're fish..." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

"If he [Rousseau] was alive in America today, which he isn't..." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

"In case you can't see what I'm doing, I'll write down "fire." - Morsink illegibly labeling an incomprehensible cartoon diagram of Plato's allegory of "The Cave." (Political Ideologies)

"I think George Bush knows something about horseness. heh heh, I doubt it." - Morsink, trying to make some kind of joke as he explains the concept of Forms using the essence of horse, or 'horseness' as an example (Political Ideologies)

"Don't do that, how would you like it if Johnny slapped you in the face?" - Morsink explaining the Golden Rule (Political Ideologies)

"I admit that; I'm a toddler and my diapers need changing." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

"Just ask the animals in the wild, if they could talk, they'd say, 'Get out of here, I'm gonna eat this squirrel.'" - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

"Tony Blair has more power than whoever Queen Elizabeth is." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)

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Other Quotes

"Fool me once... shame on... shame on you, Fool me... you can't get fooled again."
-George W. Bush

"There's no disgrace in trying to kill people in the coolest way possible -- especially if you're doing a martial-arts movie."
-Quentin Tarantino

"I wonder who dropped that?..... I hope I hate that person."
-Kunal, after we hear something hit the floor and shatter outside our room

Kid holding Jesus action figure: I'm Jesus, King of the Jews!
Kid holding Roman soldier action figure: You're not the King of the Jews!
Kid holding Mary action figure: Watch out Jesus! It's a trap!
Kid holding Roman soldier action figure: Crucify him!
Kid holding Jesus action figure: Uhhn, Urrrn, Arrrg! <staggering foward with cross strapped to its back>
Kid holding Roman soldier action figure: Take that! <pokes Jesus action figure in the side with a plastic sword>
-The Passion story acted out in 20 seconds with action figures (http://jesus-action-figure.com/index.html)

"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
-Frank Lloyd Wright

When I asked the Lees whether any American passerby might have been surprised by [the sight of a severed cow head on their doorstep], Foua said, "No, I don't think they would be surprised, because it wasn't the whole cow on the doorstep, only the head." Nao Kao added, "Also, Americans would think it was okay because we had a receipt for the cow."
-The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down

"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite."
-Paul Dirac

The strength of the wolf is in the pack.
-Bill Belichick, on how the Patriots are so dominant despite the lack of star players

Every year you know they'll probably lose, but every year they suck you back in, and every year they crush you like a tiny bug.
-Aric Egmont, on being a Red Sox fan

Let the first impulse pass; wait for the second.
-Baltasar Gracian

What you truly learn best will appear to you later as your own discovery.
-Moshe Feldenkrais

The most important things, each man must do for himself.
-Sheldon B. Kopp

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
-Bob Dylan

You do not belong to you. You belong to the universe. The significance of you will remain forever a mystery to you, but you may assume you are fulfilling your significance if you apply yourself to converting all your experience to the highest advantage of others.
-R. Buckminster Fuller

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
-Psalm 23:4

There is a hell - to be alone. And a heaven - to be able to be it.
-Paul Bjerre

When we dare to be really quiet we can come very close to our selves and the worlds innermost being.
-James Carroll

Without going outside, you may know the whole world.
-Lao Tzu

Democracy don't rule the world, You'd better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that's better left unsaid.
-Bob Dylan

I like America, just as everybody else does. I love America, I gotta say that. But America will be judged.
-Bob Dylan

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