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11/4/05 - In a fit of productivity, I finally finished the update I'd been "working on" for two weeks. About 95% of it I typed up in the last 45 minutes. That first 5% was killer tho.

11/2/05 - Finally, a new "update". In 3 months the best I could come up with was some amusing aim convo's I've had recently. Yeah, I know, wicked lame. But you could do worse. It's probably a bajillion times better than anything on your crappy live-journal..

Random Quote:

12/19/06 - Hypothetical Physics Chat

Only like, 3 people are going to get this, but trust me, it's hysterical.

evank55: What did you think of that final?
RyebreadReturns: Dude it was nasty, I left half of it blank
EvilMrWizard: Yeah, it was a bit ridiculous
DocCarter316: lol, n00bs. u guys suck @ physuks
RyebreadReturns: wtf is this? who invited Dr. Carter?
DocCarter316: This reminds me of the discovery of the cosmic background radiation. You see, these two fellows at bell labs were picking up strange noise in their microwave dish...
evank55:: yeah, yeah they thought it was the pigeons shitting in the dish, but really it was cosmic background radiation. WE KNOW. Thanx
EvilMrWizard: lol
RyebreadReturns: classic
*DocCarter316 shoots evank55 in the chest with a harpoon*
*DocCarter316 shoots EvilMrWizard in the chest with a harpoon*
*DocCarter316 shoots RyebreadReturns in the chest with a harpoon*

DocCarter316: rotfl!!!! PWNED!!!
RyebreadReturns: gay. fuck this man, i'm out
(RyebreadReturns left ThermalChat)
DocCarter316: hahaha, douche.
(EvilMrWizard left ThermalChat)
(evank55 left ThermalChat)
DocCarter316:damn, what's with all the n00bs on this server?


3/13/06 - Go to this website

Click here to go to my sister's website about her adventures as a Peace Corps volunteer in Cameroon. I designed the page with the e-mails. It's awesome.

...Go Red Sox


12/7/05 - I have no idea what's goin' on

Yahoo has this new thing where you can make your own avatar. Of course I had to make the most ridiculous one possible. I feel like this would be something that would happen to me in a crack dream.


11/4/05 - My Web Presence PT I: Dweller, You Suck

Last week I thought it would be cool to see if there were any links to my web site floating around out there on the net. For the most part, there is nothing interesting to report. There were a couple links to images on this site (a major internet faux pas that I'll discuss in detail in part II), a link to the basketball video, for some reason a link to my main page on a porn site, and then there was this. The post of note is the second one, by dweller. Since I'm sure you're too lazy to click the think, I'll summarize. The thread was started as a place to post random phrases. Dweller, a regular contributor to that forum, declined to participate, but noted that s/he has seen "plenty of people that think that way" on the web. As an example, s/he linked to THIS SITE and followed up by saying "I'd like to think it was artistic in some way but I suspect its merely attention seeking." I feel this "attack" warrants some sort of response, so here it is.

Dweller, are you high? 90% of the stuff on the web (excluding porn) is random "attention seeking" crap like this. Why you singled me out when there are literally thousands upon thousands of equally useless, attention seeking sites on the web is beyond me. And for Christ's sake, why would you "like to think" this site is artistic? It's not supposed to be "artistic"; it's supposed to be funny. If you had attacked my sense of humor, at least it would have made some f*cking sense.

Maybe I'm being too harsh though. Perhaps I should make an effort to be more artistic, like you. But I'm afraid I'm just not that creative. Not everyone can post amazing and thought provoking material like an article about a Pastor being electrocuted and lyrics from a song written by someone else. Even your profile is creative. I can see that you've cleverly listed your location as "on the threshold", thus inviting the reader to ponder "which threshold is s/he referring to?" Ambiguity is always artistic. Similarly, your interests are listed as "stuff", which of course means nothing to anyone, so I guess that's an example of minimalism. You've even managed to work in some lovely moralisms, such as "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion" and "Only when we can love hell will we find heaven". Wow, deep stuff. You've managed to merge the wisdom of a fortune cookie with the preachieness of an after school special. I stand in awe of your greatness.

At this point, some of my readers might be a little dismayed by my resort to petty sarcasm at Dweller's expense. And by letting this person get under my skin, then haven't the terrorists won, or something? These are valid concerns, but I'm going to fall back on the defense that I've been very busy lately and needed an easy target in order to get something good up on the site. Besides, s/he started it. And, in all seriousness, I think this page kicks ass; Dweller can suck my balls.

Now, it would be wrong of me to encourage my fans to send Dweller hate-emails in support of my site, but I can't stop them from clicking this link to his/her e-mail address. Similarly, it would be wrong of me to suggest smart-ass comments that could be put in said e-mails, such as "What's up with that sexy angel in your avatar? I'd like to think it's artistic in some way, but I suspect it's merely attention seeking". That would just be rubbing it in.


11/2/05 - Funny AIM convos

I know it's been forever since my last update, but I just haven't had much time. I've been too busy getting my ass kicked by classes. I am working on a kickass update, but unfortunately I ran into some creative difficulties (in other words, i'm a lazy bastard) and haven't made much progress on it. So to satisfy the clamoring masses, I've created a new page with amusing but somewhat long conversations I've had with friends on AIM. Why did I do this? Because it looks like I added lots of new stuff, even though I only had to copy and paste. Technology rules. The topics covered are completely random, so I can't really describe them. If you're bored as hell though, check em out by clicking here. If you're not bored or drunk off your ass, please don't click the link because you will probably feel that I've stolen valuable time from you that you can never get back, and I don't want hatemail from assholes like you. Not that I care what you think, douchebag.

Click here for the kinda funny AIM convos... - Warning: click only if you're really bored, and aren't offended by ridiculously excessive use (or misuse) of profanity


7/26/05 - Movies that will probably suck: The Island

Sometimes, ok usually, you just know a movie is probably going to suck before you even see it. Take, for example, Michael Bay's new film, "The Island". This movie will probably suck for one reason, and one reason only: it is directed by Michael Bay. In case you've never heard of him, he's the guy who brought us the crapfest known as Bad Boys (and, somehow, its disastrous sequel) and the travesty known as Pearl Harbor. Those who may point out that The Rock and Armageddon were pretty good Michael Bay films have a valid point. However, I would argue in reply that those movies were good for reasons that had nothing to do with Michael Bay. In fact, I think it's fair to say that Armageddon was saved from its outrageous plot and terrible script by a stellar cast composed of Bruce Willis, Michael Clark Duncan, the guy who played the Russian Cosmonaut, and that squirrely little dude from Fargo. Indeed, these four men heroically put their careers on the line by acting in a film in which Ben Affleck was cast as a lead (I feel the need to add here that the fact that Bruce Willis dies and Ben Affleck does not just about ruined the end of this movie for me. Why does Ben Affleck never die in his movies? Why doesn't he die in real life? Why doesn't someone at least lock him in a basement for the next 30 years to put us all out of our misery? These are some of the great quandaries in life that we must all struggle to answer, ranking right up there with "Is God real?" and "Did I put on pants this morning?"). As for The Rock, I shouldn't need to point out that Sean Connery almost single handedly bailed that movie out. Only James freaking Bond could pull off such an impossible mission (speaking of which, imagine how much less Mission Impossible would have sucked if it had starred Sean Connery instead of Tom Cruise. With Michael Clark Duncan and "the professional" backing him up, that movie could have been one for the ages).

So what does this have to do with The Island? Well, the record clearly shows that Michael Bay needs awesome actors in his movies in order for them to not suck. So lets look at what we've got. The Island stars Ewan McGreggor, Scarlett Johansson, Sean Bean, Steve Buscemi, and, of course, Michael Clark Duncan. All are excellent choices (by which I mean they are, respectively: Obi Wan Kenobi, incredibly hot, Boromir, the-squirrley-guy-from-Fargo-and-Armageddon, and Michael Clark Duncan). But there are weaknesses. Ewan McGreggor has done nothing cool besides Star Wars. No one ever heard of Sean Bean until Lord of the Rings came out, and thus I can't see him as anything other than Boromir. The suirrely-guy-from-Fargo-and-Armaggedon is cool, but without Bruce Willis and that Russian guy backing him up, he's just, well, the-squirrely-guy-from-Fargo...but also with Michael Clark Duncan. Michael Clark Duncan is officially in every movie ever made, so don't expect his presence to significantly alter the "suck factor" of a film. The man is so over worked he's just going through the motions now. And finally, though Scarlett Johansson is indeed incredibly hot, (see picture at right) she can't give this movie what it really needs: a total badass like Bruce Willis or Sean Connery.

The real problem here is that Michael Bay is to directing as a sledgehammer is to driving a nail. The review on aptly describes the problem: "Screenwriter Caspian Tredwell-Owen, obviously influenced by George Orwell's 1984 and the campy 1976 Logan's Run, turned in an original script that was a tad too cerebral; it had to be Bay-ified." Let it be known: henceforth, "Bay-ified" shall be synonymous with the antithesis of "cerebral". In you're reading this, Michael Bay, allow me to clarify: You are dumb. You make dumb movies. You turn everything you touch to suck. You represent everything that's rotten in Hollywood. If it wasn't for Sean Connery and Bruce Willis, you would not have a single quality movie to your credit. You owe them your career. Why don't you buy them a fruit basket or something, you ungrateful bastard?

So what's my recommendation? If you want awesome characters like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Boromir to be forever tainted with crappy-ness, and if you enjoy the feeling of wanting to rip your out your eyes so you can use them to plug your ears, then go see The Island. Otherwise, just download some pictures of Scarlett Johansson from the internet and congratulate yourself on having your cake and eating it too. Here's a link to get you started.

The Island, directed by Michael Bay
Suck Potential: * * * * 1/2 (out of 5)
Rating: PG-13 (for "Putrid Garbage:13". Parents strongly cautioned: not intended to be enjoyed by anyone over 13. May contain childish themes, unnecessary but sanitized violence, and gratuitously bad dialogue, all without naughty swear words or boobs)


7/10/05 - GTA or XXX?

In case you haven't heard yet, it's recently been discovered that the PC version of GTA: San Andreas has a hidden "porn" mini game that can be accessed by downloading a mod. Sorry X-Box and PS2 enthusiasts, you're out of luck. You'll have to go elsewhere for you're crappy animated pornography (btw, this is just one more reason why PC games own console games). If you Google "San Andreas porn" or "San Andreas sex" you'll probably run across hundreds of web sites talking about this issue. Some will be news sites which will discuss how outraged parents are over this "shocking" revelation about an otherwise wholesome video game. Others will be bloggers whining about how Americans are ridiculous for turning a blind eye toward simulated cop massacres while getting all bent out of shape over a few pixilated boobies. And most of the rest will be sites where you can download the mod and view images and videos of the offending content, like this one. Since the "outraged parent" and "whiny free speech advocate" opinions are already well represented on the web, I thought I'd write a little something from the "greatly amused college student" point of view.

First of all, I encourage anyone 18 or older to check out the web site linked above and view the video which shows actual gameplay from the modded game (don't worry if you're not yet 18, you can still click the link and view the video, I just can't legally encourage you to do so. Or maybe I can, I don't actually know. And if I can't, it doesn't matter because I just screwed myself over with these last 3 sentences anyway, as I'm pretty sure, "but it was in parentheses!" is not a valid legal argument ). I have to say this is one of the funniest things I've seen all week. It's hard to explain exactly why. Maybe it's the fact that the player's character gets out of the car with a sniper rifle in his hands. Maybe it's the fact that the girlfriend inexplicably runs away moments before the characters appear inside the house. Maybe it's the fact that the chick takes everything off and the dude keeps his pants on the whole time. Maybe it's the "excitement" meter that I totally did not see coming even though I should have. Maybe it's the impossibly fast position changes the girl pulls off, and the ghost-like way her limbs pass right through the dude's body when she rolls over. Maybe it's the fact that at the end, the dude drives off in a car called "Majestic", on which the rear bumper is hanging off and the back right tire is blown. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that the player arrives at the house at 10 in the morning, finishes his "business" at 11:14, and appears outside at 11:15; just in time to get to McDonalds while they're still making breakfast sandwiches. Maybe he's got a lunch date with the rapping mom from the commercial (see 6/7/05). I'm lovin' it. :)


6/12/05 - Family Guy Rules

Just a quick update today. I couldn't help commenting on tonight's episode of Family Guy. It was an instant classic. So many great moments: Brian getting drunk and coming on to Meg, Peter crashing a helicopter and then a zeplin into Joe's property ("Joe, I am so sorry" "How can you afford these things?!!"), Peter doing a Quagmire impression (Hearing Peter say "Giggity, giggity, giggity!" is so much funnier than I would have thought), the recreation of the Rocky/Apollo fight at the end of Rocky III (complete with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background), the list goes on. When the Emperor appears and tells Cleveland to "let the hate flow through you" I just about lost it. And of course Adam West was hilarious as usual. My sole complaint is that Stewie did not have much to do. He had a couple good sarcastic lines, but it was not the Stewie of old. In the new episodes he's increasingly become less homicidal and more just plain bitchy. I don't think he even had a comically inept attempt to understand modern popular culture (for example, there was no equivalent of "I'll be Mark, and you ask me out to the box social, or whatever the devil it is you children do these days" that I can recall in this ep). Still, this is a minor quibble. Overall it was a top notch episode. If you didn't catch it, I recommend downloading it from KaZaA as soon as possible.

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Wanna bitch me out or just shoot the shit in real time? My AIM sn is Ryebreadreturns.

In case you're wondering, I've wasted

people's time since 10/13/03

Page last updated 12/19/06



11/2/05 - Funny AIM convos

7/26/05 - Movies that will probably suck: The Island

7/10/05 - GTA or XXX?

6/12/05 - Family Guy Rules

6/7/05 - Random Stuff

04/16/05 - The Rare Unforgiven Batman Video

03/23/05 - Angry E-mail

02/02/05 - New Year, New Name

12/06/04 - The Simulator

11/21/04 - For your information

11/04/04 - Bush, the New Anti-Christ

10/09/04 - Reality TV at Its Finest

10/04/04 - Awesome Beer Commercials

09/10/04 - Things that Annoy Me

08/27/04 - Anti CNS/"Alien vs. Predator" Rant

06/08/04 - Hornet Rant

05/26/04 - Arnold Soundboard Dialogue

04/29/04 - A Brief History of "Trautman"

03/27/04 - Chris Fazzino Is a Moron

03/02/04 - Bagels, Insanity, and My Chair

02/06/04 - Days in January (a.k.a. The War on Randy Savage)

02/01/04 - It's Just a Freakin Poster

01/22/04 - Why I Hate Cops

01/16/04 - Awesomely Bad Movies

01/06/04 - Generic Cop Movie Dialogue (and Soda)

12/06/03 - Morsink's Last Quote

12/01/03 - Porn-Bots Revisted

11/14/03 - Crazy E-mail from Professor Morsink

11/10/03 - Sandal Rant

11/06/03 - Porn-Bot Rant

10/31/03 - Thoughts on Trick-or-Treating

10/20/03 - Red Sox "Manifesto"

??/??/?? - Time Rant