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The Rare Unforgiven Batman Video - Review

If you have the proper plugin installed, you should shortly be hearing a really crappy midi version of the Metallica song, "The Unforgiven". If you like having total crap on your computer, you can download the file below.

unfor1.mid - right click and select "Save As" to download

We're off to a bad start. The horizontal lines give away the shoddieness of this video right away. But maybe whoever made it just didn't have high quality clips to work with.
The action starts off with a criminal chasing a truck for some reason. It must have been loaded by retards because it appears about 1/10 full and the back doors were left open. How convinient...
As the criminal attempts to jump onboard, the generic empty boxes (a cartoon staple) fall out the back and shatter. But our resourcefull bad-guy manages to hurdle them and jump aboard. What could he want with all those empty boxes?
Nevermind that now, we're off to the Batcave, where Alfred is helping Bruce Wayne suit up. Alfred looks a little too young, but I'm willing to let it go. So far, so good.
But then, as Bruce puts on the mask and turns around, Alfred appears shocked and terrified.

Alfred: "Oh my God... You're Batman?!?!"

Ok, he doesn't actually say that, but that's what he seems to be thinking. I must be missing something.
Batman seems displeased by Alfred's reaction.
Now wait just a damn minute....
Ok, thank God we got out of that f*cked up Batcave with two Alfreds. Now things will really get good. Here's Batman standing on a building looking sad. Ok Batman, time to kick some ass...
Ok, here's Batman on another building holding... Bat-binoculars? Perhaps he's looking for the criminal from the opening scene or something? No, sadly, he's actually looking at some woman and a guy eating dinner. Why? I don't know. It seems the dark knight is a peeping Tom. Without warning, the screen goes all wavy. I sense a flashback...
Or not... This is just a scene of Batman looking sad again. I'm confused. Is this the flashback, or was the peeping Tom scene a flashback? And what happened to the criminal from before?

No time for that, the police are chasing Batman with a helicopter.

"Damnit, Batman, you're a loose cannon! You've gotta stop taking the law into your own hands! I'll have your badge for this one!"

Thinking quickly, Batman grapples to the underside of the helicopter to escape a squad of police below. Good idea, Batman, they can't possibly hit you if you're dangling helplessly from one of their helicopters.
Creepiest looking cops ever. What the hell kind of guns are those anyway? And what's with the goggles? Perhaps they are afraid Batman will throw hazardous chemicals at them. Safety first.
Well, I'll just have to assume Batman got out of that last scrape, cuz suddently he's driving the Batcycle through gale-force winds..
Batman spots a woman in danger of getting blown away. He daringly speeds off toward the source of the wind. Oh no! It can't be! It's... it's...

... um... it's a, uh... giant fan... of some sort.

Thinking quickly, our hero hits a jump, launches into the air, and hurles the Batcycle at the fan, causing it to spark and explode.. Brilliant!
But Batman is not out of the woods yet. Suddenly he's a giant walking through the streets of Gotham. The guy who made this mix must have been on crack. *UPDATE: I've been informed by a friend who's actually seen this Batman episode that Batman is not a giant in this scene; he's actually walking through a scale model of Gotham City created by the Joker. This in no way implies that the guy who made this mix was not on crack
Oh no! It's a giagantic Joker! Watch out Batman, that's the top of the chrystler building he's holding! Be careful, it's pointy! *UPDATE: OK, I now realize that this is not actually the Chrystler building, it's a model. And yes, the Chrystler building is in New York anyway, not Gotham City. But you have to admit it does look an awful lot like the Chrystler building. The point is, the Joker is using the top of a building as a weapon. That is just hardcore, any way you slice it.
Batman somhow evades the deadly chrystler building and kicks the Joker in the face. But now the Joker has something even more deadly.... a remote control!! *UPDATE: The newly revealed fact that the Joker is in fact not a giant in this scene makes his use of a remote control only slightly less ridiculous. Sure, we don't have to imagine that it's a giant remote control, but we must still ask ourselves what purpose it serves, and why the Joker feels the need to close his eyes when using it.
Suddenly, everyone is again normal size, and now the Joker has a jetpack that looks almost identical to that shitty jetpack James Bond uses in that one Bond movie. You know the one... I wanna say Moonraker? Anyway, Batman pursues the Joker by scaling a gigantic globe (apparently those things are everywhere, because I see them on cartoons all the time).
Batman then pounces onto the Joker's back. Ariel antics ensue, and the two foes fly out of control...
...and crash into the afore-mentioned globe. Moments later...
...stuff blows up for no apparent reason. Hell yeah!
Bring it down! Bring it all down!
Look out Batman! That globe is exposive too!
Following the explosions, Batman stands around in the water looking pissed. Hey, you'd be pissed too if you were covered in orange water.
A few more explosions, for good measure.
Cut to anguished Bruce Wayne in the Batcave. Could we perhaps call him, The Unforgiven??
Oh no, helicopters have found the Batplane! I thought the video was over, but apparently not. Jeez, could this get any more incoherent?
Yes! It can! Because that's the end, right there. The end of the song is cut off and we don't get to find out what happens to the Batplane. At least this trainwreck of a video is finally over. Now I can go back and watch that cool fan scene again...  

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7/26/05 - Movies that will probably suck: The Island

7/10/05 - GTA or XXX?

6/12/05 - Family Guy Rules

6/7/05 - Random Stuff

04/16/05 - The Rare Unforgiven Batman Video

03/23/05 - Angry E-mail

02/02/05 - New Year, New Name

12/06/04 - The Simulator

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