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Ridiculous Long AIM Convos

If you're incredibly bored and have no life, you can read these completely random and somewhat amusing convos I've had with friends on AIM. Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent. *Warning!: graphic language. These convos should not be read by young children or p*ssies

Keep your balls on the price

hbdp2: shit man ive got to get going
hbdp2: ive got the 930 tommorow
hbdp2: damn u for not saying anything earlier
RyebreadReturns: suck it up!! maggot!
RyebreadReturns: well you were around a while, but i was having other convos
RyebreadReturns: and didn't want to like, go halfway into one with you
RyebreadReturns: i dont' do anything halfway man. balls to the wall baby!
hbdp2: balls to the wall.....
RyebreadReturns: indeed
hbdp2: i dunno if ive heard that one
RyebreadReturns: makes sense tho
RyebreadReturns: sort of...
RyebreadReturns: well, like, "balls out" means pretty much the same thing
hbdp2: ive heard of nose to the grindstone
RyebreadReturns: so i think "balls to the wall" evolved from "Balls out"
RyebreadReturns: somehow
hbdp2: and "feet behind the yellow line"
RyebreadReturns: there must be somethin else that can go "to the wall" that was combined with "balls out"
RyebreadReturns: yes
RyebreadReturns: not the same
hbdp2: how about... "Feet behind the yellow line, maggot!"
hbdp2: i guess it requires a reference to balls
RyebreadReturns: get your balls behind the yellow line!
RyebreadReturns: maggot
hbdp2: lol... keep your balls on the price
hbdp2: in lieu of eye... that one might work....
RyebreadReturns: ...
RyebreadReturns: i'm not familiar with keep your eye on the price
hbdp2: no?
RyebreadReturns: i'm familiar with keep your eye on the ball
hbdp2: lol... prize
hbdp2: my b
RyebreadReturns: lol, ok, now it's funnny
hbdp2: i guess it musta totally sucked when u didnt know what was going on
RyebreadReturns: yeah, it did totally suck

Someone Needs to Take FOX Down

BD316: they are doin like a blues version of crazy train
BD316: for the intro
BD316: only fox
RyebreadReturns: wow
BD316: it took me a few secs to realize what song they were butchering
RyebreadReturns: fox is such a lame network, in so many ways
BD316: totally
RyebreadReturns: they can find a way to suckify anything
BD316: no doubt
RyebreadReturns: it's like, they take awesome shit like baseball and ozzy, and say to themselves "how can we make these two awesome things simultaneously look really shitty and lame?"
BD316: they probably have meetings with all the execs and they sit there for hours brainstorming such things
RyebreadReturns: i bet they do
RyebreadReturns: fuckin d-bags
RyebreadReturns: someone needs to take them down
BD316: just go in there and start blowin people's brains out to send them a message
BD316: ok, maybe thats drastic
BD316: put peanut butter on their cars
BD316: or water balloon them after the meeting ends
RyebreadReturns: i'm waitin for the summer blockbuster where the hero takes on the fox executives to foil their diaboloical plan to blanket the planet with feeds from dozens of FOX networks and usher in a new age of sucktacular entertainment the likes of which the world has never seen before
BD316: what could such a film be called
BD316: or who would be cast as the hero
BD316: arnold, stallone?
RyebreadReturns: Willis?
RyebreadReturns: perhaps James Bond?
RyebreadReturns: ... or all 4
BD316: i forgot about willis
BD316: dude, all 4
BD316: that is brilliant
RyebreadReturns: yeah man
BD316: sean connery as bond too
RyebreadReturns: mos def
RyebreadReturns: you need four action heros to take on a enemy as intractable as the FOX media conglomerate
BD316: i think we'll need at least 50 fox execs for them to combat
BD316: maybe a few recognizeable names, then just a bunch of fill-ins who get their asses kicked
RyebreadReturns: yeah. they can have an army of sychophantic writers and advertising execs
BD316: then of course after those execs we'll have the hundreds or thousand of subordinate line and staff workers for them to take on
RyebreadReturns: shitty FOX personalities like Joe Buck, Jeanie Zelasko, and that douche from American Idol will be like, the second-bannana type villians, the ones who always manage to survive until the final battle when the heroes take them on one at a time before getting to the main badguys
RyebreadReturns: kinda like in Team America when they had to take on all those actors to get to Kim Jong Il
BD316: right
BD316: hell, we'll just cast all those douchebags in some role for FOX

Linkin Park sucks

BD316: man on 2nd, 1 out for houston
BD316: linkin park blaring over the PA
BD316: the crowd is silent
BD316: probably in shock over linkin park ruining this moment
RyebreadReturns: yeah man, the PA system can make or break a crowd's enthusiasm
RyebreadReturns: a poorly chosen song can kill the home team's momentum in an instant
BD316: exactly what happened here
RyebreadReturns: a sox fan musta snuck into the control room and loaded up that linkin park clip
RyebreadReturns: a brilliant manuever
RyebreadReturns: he probably sealed himself in there, and the houston PA officials had to blow the door with C4 to get inside.
BD316: i bet you're right
BD316: this guy thought things thru before he acted
BD316: had it carefully laid out
RyebreadReturns: only to discover that the sabatour had fired several shots into the control panel, freezing the system into a continuous loop of linkin park
BD316: oh jesus no
BD316: i think i would elect to self-destruct the stadium in such a situation
BD316: put an end to the pain
RyebreadReturns:"my God man, what have you done!"
" hahahahhaha!!! this game is as good as over! Viva la branco sox!!" <turns the gun on himself and blows his brains out>
" sweet jesus, the controls are frozen! i can't turn it off!!! Attention fans, this is the PA guy, we can't turn off the linkin park! get out while you still can!"
BD316: fans start screaming and there is a mass movement towards the exits, some people decide to scale the dome and jump from the roof to end their suffering
BD316: or they make a desperate attempt to disconnect the speakers but some plummet to their doom
RyebreadReturns: the stadium itself begins to break up under the strain of the sucky music
BD316: a crack in the ground appears and opens a gateway to hell
RyebreadReturns: <crazed fan desperately trying to cover his ears> "this place is gonna blow!! run for your lives!!! we didn't listen!!!!"
BD316: some of the astros and sox pitchers come onto the field with baseballs in hand tryin to hit the speakers and knock them down
RyebreadReturns: meanwhile the ground crew mobilizes the pitching machines in a desperate attempt to combat the hellspawn pouring from the crack in the ground
BD316: when linkin park themselves emerge from the crack
BD316: to bring chaos upon the city
RyebreadReturns: lol
BD316: they have the devil on their side because they all sold their souls to become famous
BD316: i mean, how else could they have gotten to where they are, because of their good music?
RyebreadReturns: joe buck: "ladies and gentlemen, linkin park has just appeared in the stadium. what a disgusting display!! we ask you folks out there to pray that we make it out of here alive..<static>---might be our last broadc--<static>-- no, please, no!--<static>--aaaaaa!!!"!
BD316: lol
BD316: as joe buck is disemboweled and linkin park proceeds to feast on his entrails

Pokemon is Retarded

BD316: i got fuckin tired of playin the game cause you dont do anythin except select an option and watch
BD316: like final fantasy
RyebreadReturns: i recall seein kids playin like, the same areas over and over and fighting the same stupid pokemon over and over agan
BD316: fuckin super weak
RyebreadReturns: yeah
BD316: yeah, id just try to be walkin around and get pissed off when i was stopped for a fight
BD316: its like i dont have time to drop fists with a fuckin pink puffy thing
BD316: i got places to go to beat this game
RyebreadReturns: and it made no fuckin sense. people tried to explain it to me and i just didn't get it. like,
"wait, why don't you capture that pokemon you just beat the shit out of"
" oh, well i already have that one"
" oh, well can't you like, capture it and sell it or somethin?"
" no"
BD316: hah, yea
RyebreadReturns: "hang on, you're telling me you have a couple dozen of those things... in a computer? i dont' get it. how do you put them in a computer?"
RyebreadReturns: "you dont' need actual cages? this is what you're telling me?"
BD316: the best approach was to not use logic
RyebreadReturns: "wait, so you like, enslave those little things and force them to fight each other? you're their 'master'? isn't that incredibly inhumane?"
RyebreadReturns: "why do they just fight for you once you capture them? why don't they just run away when you let them out?"
BD316: yeah, i am surprised someone didnt try to sue over that
BD316: that the creators of the game were setting a bad example of cruelty to animals
RyebreadReturns: yeah really
BD316: actually some fuckin nut prob did try that
RyebreadReturns: "if the pokemon have all these powers, why don't they just like, kick the crap out of their human masters who have no powers?"
BD316: thats a good point
RyebreadReturns: that always bugged the shit out of me
RyebreadReturns: like, there's some unspoken rule that they can only use them against other pokemon or something
BD316: yeah i guess so
RyebreadReturns: and the pokemon never die. like, if your pokemon gets hit by a lightning bolt, he just kinda passes out... um, ok.
RyebreadReturns: tho i guess that's like other rpg's where if a character loses all his power he just kinda drops out of the fight sometimes
RyebreadReturns: not terribly realistic of course..
BD316: yeah
RyebreadReturns: yeah... jesus, those games sucked ass

Terry Bradshaw is a disgrace

BD316: terry bradshaw was interviewing some nfl player, i didnt catch who, and he asked who his fav cartoon character was and the dude said he-man, and bradshaw said he didnt know who that was
RyebreadReturns: oh my god
RyebreadReturns: wtf is that
RyebreadReturns: fuckin bradshaw
RyebreadReturns: jesus, did he live in a fuckin cave in the 80's?
RyebreadReturns: i think i'm gonna have to write some hatemail to him for this
BD316: hell yea
BD316: do it
RyebreadReturns: like dear terry bradshaw. You were a really good football player and i find you to be a talented and entertaining broadcaster. however, your recent admission that you don't know who He-Man is sickens me to the core. I almost threw up when i heard about this, and thinking about it now still induces nausea.
BD316: lol
RyebreadReturns: you are a disgrace to humanity. seriously dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? whenever i see you on TV or hear your voice, all i will be able to think about is the fact that you are a complete retard who has no buisness having a career in media. If you aren't even familiar with one of the most well known and important cartoon characters of the 1980's, why did you even ask that player what his favorite cartoon character was? clearly you are unqualified to evaluate the answer to such a question. I wouldn't trust you with inteviewing a 3-year-old now, much less a grown man. if you had any honor at all, you would commit ritual suicide over this you ignorant bastard
BD316: tell him he should be forced to watch 10 episodes of He-Man as pennance for his sin, kinda like saying 10 hail mary's or something
RyebreadReturns: lol
RyebreadReturns: yeah, he should have to watch 10 eps and write a paper on why skeletor was the most badass villian of all time

How Sending Shoppach's Body to the Sun Made "The List"

RyebreadReturns: hmm lets see, we needed 9 runs on 3 outs, so that was 3 runs per out we shoulda been shooting for. right now we have 2 outs and no runs, so we're running a little behind schedule
<Shoppach makes an out to end the game>
BD316: fuck you shoppach
RyebreadReturns: fuckin a
RyebreadReturns: damnit, we were so close
BD316: i know
BD316: i could taste the victory
BD316: it was very sweet, almost like molasses
RyebreadReturns: yeah man, it was clearly within our grasp, only to be snatched away at the last second by that damnned shoppach.
RyebreadReturns: he's bringing the whole team down
RyebreadReturns: now, you know me, i've been shoppach's biggest supporter from day one. but in light of recent events, i think francona needs to give him the hook. his failure tonight was inexcusable
BD316: i know man, did you have your shoppach jersey on today?
RyebreadReturns: until about 2 minutes ago i did
RyebreadReturns: it's in the trash can now
RyebreadReturns: he's dead to me now
BD316: i cant blame you
BD316: unlucky #48
RyebreadReturns: yeah man, god help whoever gets his number next
BD316: yeah, we all remember what happened to whats his face when he inherited BK Kim's number
BD316: curse of the Kim-ino
RyebreadReturns: yeah, they're gonna be talkin about the curse of the shoppcach-ino now
BD316: they should retire the number
BD316: so nobody else will suffer
BD316: just retire it but dont put it up with the other numbers
RyebreadReturns: i'm pretty sure his soul will be condemned to wander the earth aimlessly in the afterlife for his actions tonight
BD316:you are probably right
RyebreadReturns: you don't make up for failing to keep a "rally" alive in the 9th when down by a mere 9 runs
BD316: if there was still a minor league team to go to, id say ship him back down
RyebreadReturns: I mean, God is pretty forgiving, but even he would have a hard time forgiving that shit
BD316: yeah really
RyebreadReturns: yeah. hell, they should start up the minor league season again just to have somewhere to send him
BD316: well, i think the sea dogs are still in the midst of a championship series
BD316: but why would you wanna mess that up and send him there
RyebreadReturns: yeah really, isn't there an A team somwhere they could send him to?
BD316: i dunno man, i just don't know
BD316: years down the road shoppach's ghost will be appearing at fenway to kill hopes of any late-inning big run deficit rally we try to create
RyebreadReturns: yeah man. if the sox ever fail to come back from 9 runs behind in the 9th after shoppach's death, we know who to blame
BD316: perhaps we should destroy his jersey
BD316: just like the bartman ball was destroyed
BD316: in hopes of ending future occurences of this sort of thing
RyebreadReturns: yes, yes
RyebreadReturns: we should ritually burn it
BD316: exactly
RyebreadReturns: and spread the ashes to the four corners of the earth
RyebreadReturns: we should also have his body dug up, creamated, and sent by rocket into the sun
RyebreadReturns: to prevent his ghost from returning
RyebreadReturns: presumably his death will be a ways off of course, so one of us is gonna have to remember this plan. mental note: exhume shoppach's body after he dies, burn it, and launch into sun... ok, got it
RyebreadReturns: i really hate to have to do it, given how much i like the guy, but it must be done, for the good of the team
BD316: you're right
BD316: i will make sure this is not forgotten
BD316: it will make "the list"