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Joe: Peter! You've been eating my legs???
Peter: Now here's the plan. You'll enter through the
air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3
above the floor
have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge
and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal
murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him
Lois: You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's
pocket. She's more respectful than that.
<The Smith family is gathered around a Scrabble board>
Chief Runs-With-Premise: What is the state of our people?
Peter: Just call me Officer T. J. Hooker. Sheriff, Officer
T. J. Hooker.
Peter: Come on Meg, there's gotta be at least a hundred
clubs at your school.
Peter: You remember that pony you wanted when you were
six? Well I bought him and I've been saving him for a time like this.
Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one
time, the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.
Peter: If I don't get any air time how am I gonna get
my own spinoff where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... at
the center of the earth!
Quagmire: You could whore yourself out to a thousand
fat chicks for fifty bucks apiece, or, or fifty really fat chicks for
a thousand bucks. What? Don't look at me like that, fat chicks need love
too... but they gotta pay.
"Yesterday the voice of the people was heard. I promise not to
imitate it out of respect for the mentally retarded"
"It's been two days since the polls closed in Tuesday's election
and reaction is coming in from the rest of the world. Not that 51% of
Americans really care about that."
Cartman: You just have no long term memory 'cause you
get high all the time.
"Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these
are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even
after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting
you drier and drier. Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be
way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And
I don't know."
"Here pup, fresh dose of murder for you-- Blast it he's escaped!
Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs."
Cartman: We're in this together, Craig. If Butters
tells on us we'll tell on you, that's the nija code.
Announcerr: And the winner is ... Number 3, in a quantum
Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have
to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Announcer on TV Commercial: Pawtucket Patriot.
If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Chris: You remeber what happened when he tried to sneak
me into the country fair?
Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Lois: Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got
a cardboard steering wheel [...] and look, there's no engine, it just
has a drawing of an engine!
Peter: Geez Lois what are you doin lying on the couch
at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois: Peter it's 7 in the morning!
"You bastards come into our village and kill our fish, pollute
our water. I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong"
The Count: Six, six bats! Seven, seven bats! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahh!
"In protest to France's opposition to a U.S. war in Iraq, the
U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed 'french' fries and 'french' toast
to 'freedom' fries and 'freedom' toast... In a related story, in France,
American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot' cheese."
"Bad music makes people violent, like, Nickelback makes me wanna
Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Carl: Hey Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?
"Hi, I'm Troy MaClure, you might remember me from such educational
films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun, and Fire Crackers,
the Silent Killer."
Homer: <trying to impersonate Mr. Burns> Hello,
my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Peter: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I
realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has
been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day
that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Peter: You know the Nazi's had pieces of flair, that
they made the Jews wear.
Michael: May- maybe we could launder the money.
Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch, it's not your fault. Damnit,
Blue was old. That's what old people do, they die."
Mitch: Sometimes you think you have true love and then
you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people
jump out of your bathrooom blindfolded like a goddamned magic show ready
to double-team your girlfriend...
Mitch: I'm sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken,
what do you reccomend I do?
Picard: I will not sacrifice the Enterprise, I have
made too many compromises already, too many retreats....they invade our
space and we fall back, they assimilate entire worlds and we fall back.
But not again, the line must be drawn here! This far, no further!
Alonso: You think you can do this to me?! You motherfuckers
will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you!
Shoe program, nigga! 23 hour lockdown! I'm the man up in this piece!
[...] I run shit around here, you just live here! [...] I'm gonna' burn
this motherfucker down! King Kong ain't got shit on me!
Frodo: I wish none of this had happened.
Sam: ...I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know
now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they
didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.
Theoden: Let this be the hour when we draw swords together.
Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath. Now for ruin. And the red dawn! Forth
Pippin: Is there any hope, Gandalf, for Frodo and Sam?
Gamling: He leaves because there is no hope.
Theoden: Ride now... Ride now... Ride! Ride for ruin
and the world's ending!
Gandalf: We come to it at last, the great battle of
Sam: ...Do you remember the taste of strawberries,
Frodo: How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no
going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go
too deep that have taken hold.
Henry Jones: The quest for the grail... is not archeology.
It's a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis the armies of
darkness will march all over the face of the earth.
Obi-Wan: You can't win, Darth, if you strike me down,
I should become more powerfull than you can possibly imagine.
Yoda: No, try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
Vader: Obi-Wan has taught you well, you have controled
your fear. Now release your anger, only your hate can destroy me.
Vader: Obi-wan never told you what happened to your
Emperor Palpetine: If you will not be turned. You will
be destroyed. (Zaps Luke with lightning) Young fool. Only
now, at the end, do you understand.
Doc: Marty, you gotta come back with me!
Mail Guy: Hey, kid, you all right? You need any help?
Mad Dog: My horse threw a shoe. Now seeing as you're
the one who done the shoeing, I'd say that makes you responsible.
Marty: Oh, man, Doc, we don't belong here, neither
one of us. You know, it could still be you that gets shot tomorrow. This
tombstone could still be in your future.
BroodDan316: who the fuck is expected to know any artist besides those with the names of ninja turtles?
Honey5467: uggh boo mondays..i don't even wanna go to sleep because i'll wake up and it will be monday
RyebreadReturns: lol, ur in the
hacky sack group?
BroodDan316: the early earth kicked ass
RyebreadReturns: eh, fuck it, i'm
sick of worrying about that. it's too nerve wracking at finals time
BroodDan316: wtf, i thought the
mistyping shit was just people exaggerating drunkesness
RyebreadReturns: so, any rioting
BroodDan316: yep. the good thing
for her though is she always has a guy to bag for her on her register.
hombredeplata2: its weird.... even
though as far as evolution is concerned i am supposed to be at my prime
(18-25) i am outa practice
Dauntless Mien: I have a sociology exam. I'mma go study by drinking alcohol and observing society.
RyebreadReturns: lol, did you see
that headline under "Ed"? it said "'objective' Yankees fan"
Dauntless Mien: Who the fuck riots
over a fucking baseball team?
Dauntless Mien: In my intro to ethics
class, I just pretend I'm killing the people in my class.
BroodDan316: im not a fuckin vampire, im not sitting outside somebody's door and asking "can i come in" before stepping in the house
Dauntless Mien: Umass strippers
are probably lame.
Dauntless Mien: Arnold would be
so badass in a rascal. And he could be carrying groceries in the front.
"Oh the Dutch... let's not get into the Dutch. Dont' get me started on the Dutch." - Dr. Cole (Social Ethics)
"I'm already cutting corners, so lets not be stubborn about the squiggly equals sign." - Dr. Apelian dismissing concerns he'd raised seconds earlier about converting a squiggly equals sign to a normal equals sign in a proof (Calculus III)
"When is a treaty not good? Like the one about the cats and the tunnel. It's not good; maybe they come out dead at the other end or something." - Dr. Morsink giving an example of an international treaty dispute (International Law)
"If the dictator tells you who you can marry, you cannot buy the girl you want... uh, marry the girl you want." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
Some Chick: Do we get extra credit for being here?
"We've got birds that fly, birds that crawl-- on the ground-- and birds that swim. Well, they're fish..." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
"If he [Rousseau] was alive in America today, which he isn't..." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
"In case you can't see what I'm doing, I'll write down "fire." - Morsink illegibly labeling an incomprehensible cartoon diagram of Plato's allegory of "The Cave." (Political Ideologies)
"I think George Bush knows something about horseness. heh heh, I doubt it." - Morsink, trying to make some kind of joke as he explains the concept of Forms using the essence of horse, or 'horseness' as an example (Political Ideologies)
"Don't do that, how would you like it if Johnny slapped you in the face?" - Morsink explaining the Golden Rule (Political Ideologies)
"I admit that; I'm a toddler and my diapers need changing." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
"Just ask the animals in the wild, if they could talk, they'd say, 'Get out of here, I'm gonna eat this squirrel.'" - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
"Tony Blair has more power than whoever Queen Elizabeth is." - Morsink (Political Ideologies)
"Fool me once... shame on... shame on you, Fool me... you can't
get fooled again."
"There's no disgrace in trying to kill people in the coolest way possible
-- especially if you're doing a martial-arts movie."
"I wonder who dropped that?..... I hope I hate that person."
Kid holding Jesus action figure: I'm Jesus, King of
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise
his clients to plant vines."
When I asked the Lees whether any American passerby might have been
surprised by [the sight of a severed cow head on their doorstep], Foua
said, "No, I don't think they would be surprised, because it wasn't
the whole cow on the doorstep, only the head." Nao Kao added, "Also,
Americans would think it was okay because we had a receipt for the cow."
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood
by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's
the exact opposite."
The strength of the wolf is in the pack.
Every year you know they'll probably lose, but every year they suck
you back in, and every year they crush you like a tiny bug.
Let the first impulse pass; wait for the second.
What you truly learn best will appear to you later as your own discovery.
The most important things, each man must do for himself.
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes
to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
You do not belong to you. You belong to the universe. The significance
of you will remain forever a mystery to you, but you may assume you are
fulfilling your significance if you apply yourself to converting all
your experience to the highest advantage of others.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil, for thou art with me.
There is a hell - to be alone. And a heaven - to be able to be it.
When we dare to be really quiet we can come very close to our selves
and the worlds innermost being.
Democracy don't rule the world, You'd better get that in your head;
This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that's better left unsaid.
I like America, just as everybody else does. I love America, I gotta
say that. But America will be judged.