You Can Tell Them I'm Coming. And Hell's Coming With Me.
This is the month. The beginning of the end. The only thing September is good for is boosting clothing and stationary prices. Things you could get for almost half as much in June now put you in the poor house until November. The world, by some strange osmosis, begins to revert back into a state of controlled mania, subduing that animalistic anarchy that ran rampant through the streets only weeks before. Everyone's recovering from some kind of abnormality, some kind of euphoric withdrawal, lamenting over vacation photos and letters from that summer fling which will forever represent some kind of absolute, 48 hour perfection at a hotel in Antigua. No pasts, no pertinent details. You were someone else there for a while. But now it's September. Mob rules.
It's almost like some big cosmic joke that was planned before time came into existence. The kids go back to school and sit in those classrooms catatonically starring out the windows into the late summer afternoons. Teachers lecture in alien languages while the managers of various Dairy Queens pour through employee records trying to figure out which summer staff member is most likely to make a career out of serving ice cream. The word responsibility takes on a whole new meaning. In July it meant that you made sure you had a good time. In September it means that you're back in the game and the score is 0-0. It's you verses the rest of the world, top of the first.
I was thinking of quitting music and attempting to ride around the world on a giant, oversized Big Wheel. After pouring through the most recent Guinness Book Of World Records I've discovered that it's never been done before. People have ridden a lot of things around the world, but never a Big Wheel. Now I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I'll look doing it, but there's always a price for glory. I mean, who cares if you record records, play shows, and make music videos. Everyone's doing that these days. Think of how original it would be during some conversation at a party. 'Ya, I rode a Big Wheel around the world. What did you say you did again? Dentistry?' This is the kind of thing September should do to you. You should refuse to pay your credit card bills, eat fattening food, drink in excess, and throw wild Caribbean theme parties every Saturday night. Life would be like a Tom Robbins novel on uppers and everyone could stop pretending they have somewhere to go. I don't have anywhere to go. There, I said it. Not one single goddamn place. My name's Matt, and I have nowhere to go. Though, come to think of it, water slides would be all right. Either that or Six Flags. Roller Coasters, above all things, are my greatest love. But, rather ironically, they don't really go anywhere either.
So medicine has tried to give it a name. Some kind of official term just so doctors can get people out of their offices so they won't miss their late afternoon, Indian Summer tee times. It's called Melancholia. Supposedly people get this ailment in the fall and winter when everything's bleak and life just isn't worth living anymore. In spring and summer you're a self contained party machine. Come fall you just can't find the strength to carry on. You've been kidding yourself long enough, you figure. Maybe they can freeze you for half the year so you just have to exist during the warmer months. That's why I'm riding a Big Wheel around the World. I've planned the whole trip so I'll always be in summer. No matter where I go it'll be warm. So I'll pretty much be in a good mood from now on. Which should be worrying most of you, I would figure.
I'm just going to write songs about money, songs about parties, songs about how super-bad-ass I look in my leased Mercedes. I'm gonna play shows in Monaco and tour the world in a huge, rented cruise ship. Wanna come? I never thought I could feel this free, this focused. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing or saying. But now I understand. I realize how wrong I've been. How mean and malicious, how vulgar and trite. I wish I could just take it all back. I wish I could just start all over again. I wish...
So, for those of you who thought that this kind of attitude adjustment was required, you remember what I just said. Just think how boring these things would be if I was a positive person. If you're out there, if you're seconds away from ordering the Tony Robins self help tapes just remember what you were taught as a child. 1] STOP, DROP, and ROLL. 2] NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER. 3] there is no 3. I've been sitting here for ten minutes thinking. But there is no 3. You get my point though. Sign of the devil.
The Boomtown Rats hated Mondays. The world unknowingly hates September. Strange how the fine art of surfacing applies to this particular situation. It's like consciously allowing yourself to return to servitude. We all do it without knowing. There are a lot of things we do unconsciously. This is one of them. Other more famous ones might include spandex, Milli-Vanilli, and professional wrestling. You're cringing aren't you. You ever seen pictures of yourself in the eighties? There's no escaping it. Everyone, at one time or another, buys into something without consciously thinking about it. For my generation it was parachute pants, pointy leather boots, mouse, and all those strange dances that Dave knows so well. Some of you out there might have missed all that. Some of you might not be old enough to be considered so stupid. But in fifteen years you'll look back at yourself wearing those big pants that five people could live in comfortably and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Maybe you'll wonder why your underwear was always showing, or your hair was blue and purple. And if those things just happened to be like that in a September, or even several Septembers, won't you look the fool.
The thing I could never understand is why they put October after September. Home to Halloween, October is not only good for eats, but provides ample excuses to return to that 'summer-like non-you'. Halloween, or Samhain (if you're religiously inclined), provides the most ultimate release of the year. For one night you get to dress up and act like an idiot without people judging you. And if you do it correctly you can impersonate someone that you don't like and get them into a shit load of trouble. The Dead Kennedy's got it right in that song. That and Forest Fire. But I'm wandering. I do that from time to time. It's what my bag of tricks is made of.
So you're probably asking yourself, as you most assuredly do when you read these things, does he have a point? Is he going to take this whole thing somewhere, or just leave it hanging so as to escape some kind of finality. Does he do that on purpose, or does he just run out of things to say? Is his brain just really, really small? These are valid questions. Questions that I one day hope to answer for you. But as far as September is concerned, let me wrap it up by saying this:
You either do or you don't. You either are or you aren't. You either pump or you slump. Either you've got it or you don't got it. And if you don't, is their some kind of twelve step program you can join to change that? My name's Matt and I have no where to go. I, like the might coaster, always end in the same place. Right here, it would seem.
1] Liz. Don't believe everything you hear.
2] We're currently working on a merchandise page where you can use your plastic to order stuff. We're also planning on mailing out a catalogue so you can order by mail.
3] Goddamn it Katie. My answer was perfect! PERFECT!
4] No. Swimming in a large bowl of tomato soup is not one of my big ambitions. Swimming in cherry jello is.
5] Ryan. That's a damn fine question.
6] You're friend would die to have my personal e-mail address? Well, produce a corpse and we'll talk.
7] Ashley. Yes Dave is in that video.
8] If you're wondering why you have to buy underdogs to get Lo-Fi B-Sides call A&M and ask them. They're the marketing geniuses. I am merely the dancing monkey-boy.
9] Paul. Yes, I did get it.
10] Our favorite toys and games? What an excellent question Sin. Here's your answer.
1 The original SWAT action gear pack
12] This is to that guy who keeps writing me 900 page stories (and a whole slew of other people that write 500 page stories). I thank you for your artistic output. But if you're going to insult me, or the band, can you please do it in less than 10 words.
13] The other Ryan. I don't see why not.
14] Sorry Fou-Fou. I don't have a remedy for menstrual cramps.
15] What kind of name is 'T-Dawg'? Is that Mongolian? I was a four wheel fast mover in another life time.
16] 'yeah, yeah, I gotcha'.
17] Since some of you are preoccupied with discovering what my favorite movies are, I'll tell you. But you may not like what you find out. I'll give you two examples.
Joe Vs The Volcano: Every time I bring up this movie someone always looks at me and says that it sucks. This film is fucking genius. Pure genius. The opening half hour is perhaps the best 30 minutes of any film ever made. If you can name another movie where a guy is stranded in the middle of the ocean on floating luggage and decides to get in some putting practice, tell me. I'll go out and rent it immediately. If you can't then shut up.
Career Opportunities: This is one of my all time favorites. Why? Because it's so very true. The town liar (slash loser) ends up getting together with the town goddess one night during his janitorial shift at Target. The two foil some bad guys, fall in love, and leave town at the end of the film. What more do you fucking want? Well? (Besides that, it's got Jennifer Connelly in it).
18] Richard. That's an excellent point.
19] Jen. We can't let Amy out do you, can we.
20] Ryan. In order, you're answers would be:
21] Jenna and Tara. Those are a lot of questions. I'll do my best to answer them.
A There are locks on the doors at 7-11 because they shut down for 20 minutes every night to mop the floors.
B It's called toast because that's where the word 'toast' came from. I highly doubt some ancient guys were running around saying 'damn man, you look toasted.'
C I don't know why if a woman sleeps with a lot of guys she's called a slut, but guys are heroes if they do it. It seems pretty unfair to me. It doesn't make a lot of sense. If you play a lot of pinball you get really, really good at it. Isn't it the same with sex?
D I don't care if Elvis is dead or alive. He sucks either way.
E Is it a Mickey Mouse glass?
F I wasn't adopted. I've never heard that before. Why are the majority of people convinced they're adopted? Maybe everyone's a robot except for you. You ever entertained that possibility? Everyone could be out to get you and you don't even realize it.
G In 20 years I see myself governing my own amusement park island/country somewhere in the south pacific. Either that or stranded on a deserted isle with the Budweiser Girls. If there is a God, the latter of the two will occur.
H You call it ice because it is ice. Frozen water is something different, freezies.
I Actually, the sky's red. We've just programmed you to see it as blue so you'll be all fucked up. Sorry bout that.
J No. I don't have all the answers. I have no answers. I'm answer deficient. It's an actual condition.
K Poe was good for a drunk. Dickenson is okay if you're in a light kind of fluffy-bunny mood. I like Bud Drake the best. He's this schizophrenic guy that sleeps in the courtyard next to my building every night. He converses directly with god, so he's got one up on everyone else. That and he's from another planet. He's seen some things. Experience is important you know.
L I rule what exactly?
22] Scott Van Dort. Glad we could be of assistance.
23] Hey Jessie. You're the best. Frame it.
24] Jinnifir. Your answers.
A Yes, eventually.
B For about a year.
C Yes. Pong is king. You'll find it in our new arcade section.
D No. I have no idea where that thing is.
25] I'll run it by the powers that be Ms. Hall. You never know.
26] Alaina from Chesapeake Virginia. I think you're correct. We are related.
27] Ryan. Your friend's got it wrong. It was created by the United States Army Ranger Corps.
28] Kristal. It just so happens that I do know how they get the caramel inside the Caramilk bar. I could also tell you where Area 51 is, but I'm not going to.
29] Tashia-Ann. He kills himself. As for the rest, it's a story of a lovely lady who was brining up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls. It's a story of a man named Brady who was bring up three boys of his own.
'It's like Disneyland, only better...' Imagine a small island in the South Pacific filled with the best roller coasters in the world. Imagine living in a three story tree house, not unlike the Swiss Family Robinson tree house. Imagine swimming in crystal blue waters, eating at small crab shacks, or attending a 'Professional Street Hockey Game', just like when you were a kid. Sound good? Well, you should fill out the application form below then. You just might end up living out your fantasies sooner then you thought. Welcome to Mattopia.
All applications must be sent back via e-mail before June 1st, 1999.
1] Do you have a criminal record in your country of origin?
2] Do you have a military service record?
3] Have you served in a foreign military as an officer?
4] Do you have any experience operating or maintaining roller coasters?
5] Do you know how to make shaved ice cones?
6] Are you currently suffering from any severe illness?
7] Have you had the Chicken Pox, the Mumps, or the Measles?
8] Where do you stand on the issues of:
9] Are you a doctor or hold a degree in another field of specialty medicine?
10] Do you currently have a drivers license?
11] Do you currently have a pilots license?
12] Are you certified to Captain a naval vessel?
13] Do you wish to apply for dual citizenship or singular citizenship?
14] Do you wish to reside in Mattopia, or apply for a 6 month visa?
15] Does your family have any history of mental illnesses? If so, which ones?
16] Do you plan to bring any animals with you into the country?
Please include a short essay about yourself and your reasons for applying for citizenship.